Never Judge a Book by its cover

A couple of months ago I started this particular blog and hit a brick wall. Judgement has been a thing for me, as in I don't like it whilst at the same time knowing we all do it. To ourselves and to others. Following a discussion with my coach I settled on: safe judgement, fair judgement, open-minded judgement. Knowing that it is infinitely better to listen and consider, rather than not listen and jump to judgement.

But I was still stuck.

There was definitely something that I wanted to say, it was bursting out of me, but I had come to a complete halt. I thought it was just tiredness and needed a rest for a day or two.

That day or two turned into a week, a month, then two.

WTF.

I myself was writing about 'not judging', whilst at the same time judging myself, harshly. Therein, I learned, was why I was writing this.

At that time fatigue overcame me, my head was mixed up, I lost any urge to continue writing. Photography took a slow down. I stopped meditating, ('they say' you need to meditate for 20 minutes per day, and if you don't have time for that then you need to meditate for an hour a day). My daily press up and sit up routine was too painful to continue. I stopped following up on my coaching work. Clarity was non existent. I drank a little bit more than was comfortable. I ate less healthily. Communication became less flowing. The spiral was downwards.

But, typical for a bloke, you probably would not be able to tell all this was going on. I've had 60 years of skilful development of my mask wearing and hiding, plus the XY chromosome. However, within all this I had a friend that got me out walking everyday, that talked and listened, and kicked my ass when I needed it. And was persistent, despite their own twists and turns to negotiate.

Prior to this and a wee while ago, over a period of time, with the help of my guides, both human and otherwise, I had managed to remove the masks, break down the walls, and peel the onion. I had become accustomed to the feeling of being out of my own self imposed constraints, and it was pleasant. I was starting to see and feel the 'me' that I knew was always there. Like physical fitness, I remember how good I felt when I was fit, and being unfit was not as good.

So, although this little set back was unexpected, and unwelcome, I had developed some tools to help me to dig in and hold on whilst I was down there. I knew it would not last. I also knew that this shit happens from time to time, and that I was not alone.

It could have been a reaction to the lockdown, perhaps something someone said that triggered me, maybe I was actually tired. At the end of the day I may never know the actual root cause. And it doesn't really matter that I don't know because it is the ability to climb out of the hole that is important in these moments. Perhaps the avoidance of the hole in the first place is helpful going forward, but that is for tomorrow not today.

I used to think that life happened to me, therefore I could point the finger.

Then there was the 'life happens for me' stage, and I could learn from 'these' lessons.

Now I know that life happens from me, I am the creator of all that I am.

So it matters little that I know what caused this kink in the road, except that it was me. And as such it is me that can: see it, feel it, accept it, deal with it, and clear it.

With that knowledge I found that within this particular darkness I was able to stand a half step back from myself, it was the first time that I had ever done that, and look at the situation unemotionally, watch how I dealt with it. This was growth. The stuff that I had been working on in myself was starting to take shape and consolidate. This darkness was to allow me to try out the new skills for real.

And this week saw a corner turned. I have no idea how many corners there are on my street, but there's a few, and I'm only just starting.

I had recognised previously that ignoring it or denying it just helped to perpetuate it. So I allowed myself to feel it. In doing so, quite a number of underlying issues rose to the top. Issues that I had 'forgotten' (hidden). This allowed me to see them for what they were, weak memories that held power over me because I had been hiding them. For decades in some cases.

I have no doubt that these episodes will pop up now and again. I am ok with that. I welcome that. Shining a little bit more light into the dark recesses, bringing clarity to this moment.

How many of us were born into an environment of anxiety. I will share something very personal here, because the people involved are no longer with us (my mum and dad) and they would encourage me to put out a hand to maybe help others to shine their light into their own unknown dark corners.

My parents lost a child at 9 weeks old and mum had a number of other incomplete pregnancies. But they also persisted and had more children that went on to have rich lives. The point though is that the deep sadness of all those losses, particularly the 9 week old, would have left traumatic scars on both my parents. Having had 2 children myself and experiencing that joy, I can only imagine the pain of my parent's losses, and my imagination would probably fall well short of the actual hurt.

Add to that the poverty that mum and dad went through as kids themselves, and the various traumas that befell their respective families (The ones that I know of are: 1st world war losses and mental traumas, alcohol addictions, disease, loss of income, 2nd world war losses, massively unfair events, abuses, the list goes on). All within the environment of 'stiff upper lip' and zero mental health recognition, never mind help.

And they were not alone, this must have affected every family in the land, in the world.

It is no wonder that anxiety pervaded and would have been passed on. Sadness of the past and worry about the future affecting the richness of every aspect of experiencing today.

Then bring on to stage the ridiculous things that are done and that we do to ourselves from an early age, sometimes humorous, but many times leading to regret, guilt and shame. Then let's carry that around with us for 30 years, 40 years, 50 years. Put it away in a dark corner, keep the lid tightly secure, nobody will ever know. Except us. And that load gets heavier and heavier the more we add, and the more we bottle up. So the episodes are going to happen. Welcome them so that you can deal with them and maybe then the past can stop with you.

The big thing here is that I know I am not alone. Many, if not all of us, have demons hidden in our own dark corners which will sneak out to bite our bum. But we all have a safety net, whether that be a person, a dog, a beach, energy, or God. Someone or something thing that resonates with us, that allows us the safe space to be who and where we are with a compassionate empathetic energy that may be called love, tough love, or indeed a kick up the arse.

So let's continue with my view on Judgement:

It hit me between the eyes two months ago - not just the saying 'Never Judge a Book by its Cover' but in fact 'Never Judge' full stop.

As many of you will know, I have been attending Andy's Man Club (andysmanclub.co.uk) for a couple of years now. I had no idea what it was when I first went, but I was looking for a place to talk when I was in a dark place. I was guided to it by a female counsellor, who also had no idea what it was but had heard that it might be helpful.

My first forays into the club were very bizarre, I had never been in that sort of environment - blokes candidly sharing whatever it is that is bothering them or in fact inspiring them, with the amazing bit being that there was zero judgement. There were tears, laughter, and yes there was some typical bloke banter, but it was different than the pub or the rugby club or the works canteen. There was respect and deference from everyone there and for everyone there. We all knew that no matter why you are there nothing matters more than the fact that you are there. That is enough. You are enough. Just as you are. And that is the central message to Andy's as well as to life.

A thing that I noticed at Andy's was the array of characters and souls in the room: all ages, all professions, all positions held, all backgrounds. Yet none of that mattered. None of that is even mentioned.

We are all allowed to be safely vulnerable, secure in the knowledge that the sharing is everything and stays in those four walls, that judgement is non-existent and is absolutely outside those four walls. Magic happens when you know that you can safely voice your emotions, be that: regret, guilt or shame - suddenly its power over you eases, the healing begins.

As I said earlier we all have a level of judgement, and I have found myself sitting listening to someone share something, that I may initially think 'what a load of tosh'. But this is fleeting, because of the nature of the room and the people, and I have learned to keep listening to find that within every share that I have listened to there is an absolute gem of a soul. Every single time.

Taking this attitude with me outside of that room has helped me to listen more, really listen, for the message inside the words. Consider that I have zero knowledge of any person's journey, and would, without a doubt, not want to swap places, the value is

in the enrichment of both our lives through listening and sharing, and sometimes parting if needs be, appreciative of the opportunity to know that the lack of resonance is also enrichment.

Judgement is a naturally evolved mechanism, an assessment tool, a safety device, that allows us to keep ourselves and our tribe out of harms way. So hold on to your judgement with that in mind, but don't judge to belittle or demean so you can feel 'good' for a moment.

We are all capable of falling short of our own standards, accepting that, in ourselves and others, and holding your hand out rather than your fist, will help to smooth the bumpy, many cornered road that we are all on.