It isn't big to make others feel small.

It is anti-bullying week.

Despite the possible kickbacks, I thought I would share my story as it has little or no power over me now and may help others. I have learned enough over this last couple of years that opening up and sharing this shit not only releases the power that shame can hold over a person (shame despises being talked about), but it definitely gives others the courage to open up too.

Even though I am just about 6 feet tall, biggish build, played rugby, walked the hills, worked in a robust industrial environment, seem confident, am no shrinking violet, (you get the picture), there have been at least 2 occasions in my life, when I have been bullied. The first was when I was young and by a family member, another was 30 years ago at work, and by a boss and systemic cover up.

In both cases there was a slow but increasing drip feed of: seemingly innocuous comments, minor niggling actions, undermining, ridiculing in public, picking on for no reason, etc. Standard fare for the bully.

This in itself is also standard man-banter. Except when it is targeted, relentless and sustained.

In my case I can reflect that there was a power that the bullies sought, I think to fill a weakness that they felt in themselves – if you have to put someone down to raise yourself up, then in fact you are putting yourself down as well (your action is a reflection on you). I, as the target, for whatever reason (possibly fear?), did not recognise it as bullying early enough to stop it. I think that the first instance put in place a pattern that I was not aware of, I was too young to recognise it (the ages between 7 and 14 put in place the blueprint for how you assimilate relationships between people – bang on for me). This then allowed the second instance to take hold before I knew something was wrong. It took me 3 years to recognise it and seek help in the work situation, and when I did, the cover up at work was watertight. I had to seek outside help, I knew I needed it. Once I found help and got advice, I then had to find the courage to do something about it. After all, by then the bully had destroyed my confidence, self-esteem, and managed the situation such that my effectiveness at work actually had deteriorated, and I had been threatened with the sack. The result was beyond regret – ‘I am sorry I did that’, beyond guilt – ‘I did a stupid thing’, to the lowest emotion of shame – ‘I am worthless’. Previous to this incident I had performed well, as could be proven in reviews, but this held little store.

My earlier family bullying period took place over a number of years too, perhaps 5 or 6? And I have only recently recognised and realised what had been happening, recognising the patterns, recognising the shame. And it has only just been addressed by me, but at least now I can release that burden. I see now that at the time I learned coping mechanisms of silence, humour, hiding (physically and emotionally – wall building, putting on masks, numbness, distancing myself……)

The mental and emotional effect on me, of both incidents, was deep and debilitating, leading to physical effects: nervousness, sleep issues, intimacy issues, anxiety, panic attacks, skin conditions, digestive issues……, and deterioration of personal relationships. The people that know me will hardly recognise this version of me, I did not allow it to be seen, ever, the shame was so entrenched, and unknowingly for a long time I hid it from myself too.

Whilst at work I tried 3 outside organisations that professed to be there to help in ‘stressful’ situations. I have to say they were particularly useless for me. The advice was always to take it to ‘personnel’, or ‘speak to your boss’, unfortunately those routes were part of the cover up, with responses such as ‘none of our managers would do that – it must be you’, adding to the shame. It was the early ‘90’s after all.

The help I found was from a family member who listened and believed without judgement of me. I have since learned to embrace and never underestimate the power of listening and the power of being non-judgemental. The advice was to take the person into a room and firmly describe the effect of what they were doing was having on me, and demand (almost aggressively) that it stops.

On the one hand you have to find the courage to do that, but also, where do you go if it has no effect?

Thankfully it had the desired effect. The bullying stopped immediately. It then of course leaves you with the thought of why the fuck did I not do that 3 years ago? That brings with it its own guilt and shame and reflection of weakness.

However, the recovery had started.

I thought I had gotten over it after 3 years, but no, I took another 25 years to dig the fucker out from the depths, probably because the initial incident had not been recognised and addressed properly until then.

The effects on my life lasted 50 years and are ongoing. But I now look at those periods with love. The alternative would be to look at them with fear, and I’m fucked if I’m going to submit to that little bastard and be taken down.

The ongoing effects are somewhat annoying but being dealt with. This mostly comes in the forms of becoming defensive if any belittling attempt or anticipated oppressive situation occurs, and anxiety/panic if exposure is persistent. This is worsened if alcohol is involved, which is a problem as I enjoy a drink and sometimes I have the dilemma of having a drink to ‘relax’ or to ‘numb’, but know that it is not helpful, so discipline is required (not my strong suit) and the situation may pull in opposing directions.

So, what happens when you look at it with love?

Were there moments when I had wanted the bullies or the system to burn in hell? Absolutely. Were there times when I had just wanted to disappear? Yep totally, there were dark times. But bizarrely, gradually, I came to a place of gratitude for the opportunity to grow. Like actually. Would I have preferred it not to have happened? – I find that that is a pointless question, as it did happen and can’t be changed, but if I were pushed I would say an emphatic ‘no, I’m glad it did’. Calm seas never made a skilled mariner, and there is not a soul on the planet that has not had lessons to learn. I certainly would not want to swap my troubles for someone else’s.

You become thankful for the lesson, you grow, you strengthen. The shame that you’ve carried for 50 years releases, you start climbing the emotional ladder through guilt, blame, regret, anxiety, towards optimism, forgiveness and understanding. It is often 3 steps forward and 2 back. But it is always forward.

But I do know that it is real. It is in my head, it is possibly part of the wiring, but it is being addressed aggressively.

They were not likeable events, but it was gold dust on my journey. And there have been many ‘angels’ that have travelled with me on this path. Maybe, just maybe, those events were perfect for my soul, it has led to who and where I am now, and for me this is beautiful.

This is simply a story now, it is not my current reality. I am living more and more in this moment, it is all there is. Those things happened for sure. The recovery is real and ongoing for sure. In re-telling this I have had to re-live the story from memory. It is now almost like it is someone else’s story. The saying ‘don’t look for the ‘me’ of yesterday, I don’t live there anymore’ applies here.

The more I travel on this current path, the more I hear of people’s similar stories, and if in sharing this, someone else can take courage from it and start their own healing, my heart would sing.